Discovery Through Detriment

I obviously can't speak for any one other than myself, or speak as if I've experienced anything exactly how another person has experienced it, because I can't and I haven't. But, I'm confident in saying that I am not the only one who has been in situations, very difficult situations, that seemed impossible to break free from. There was no envisioning how there could be secondary gain(s) in the torment. Recognizing positive consequences when everything seems negative, in the moment, may come periodically during macabre times, but most appropriately after we do eventually move on from whatever is holding our faces in the earth. This, I believe, cannot come without a certain amount of strength--strength not in a sense of unwavering discipline, but more so in recognizing that it is okay to be weak. It is okay to wallow in pity for ourselves, as long as there results some self-insight through reflection on how weakness is, in my opinion, a necessary characteristic in the development of strength. Through this insight and reflection upon our experiences, we can come to view decisions which lead to seemingly adverse consequences, not as mistakes, but as stepping stones to our current positions in life. I believe that considering a decision a mistake is only appropriate if one doesn't learn something from the consequences. I have learned many lessons through decisions I've made and struggling through the residue left from those decisions. I would not change anything about my experiences, no matter how vulnerable they left me, no matter how helpless I felt, because I believe I am better equipped to deal with the increasingly difficult decisions I have to make as I age, as a result from the resilience I surprised myself with over the years. But, at times alone in the darkness of my own mind, it seems impossible to find hope or to see anything at all. Only later, as I continue to breath and emerge from the darkness, can I see there was always hope. If nothing else, there is always the hope to find hope, once again. That is something I have adopted.

Mutually Exclusive?

It's 0645. Sunlight begins to breach the concrete step just four feet from my front door. In my left hand, a fresh cup of coffee in my favorite mug; a Marlboro Light in my right. I sit alone, as I am the earliest riser of the household, but I will soon be joined by another, and we will sit, coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other--all of us begin the day, together.

As the pirouetting smoke slowly dissipates, we sit in silence, this morning--a comfortable silence. Each morning is different--some times, between sips of coffee and drags from our cigarettes, the air is complimented by conversation. But, this morning, we sit in silence.

What is the point of this? I don't know, but I think I'm suggesting something along the lines of how these stimulants compliment our lives, enforce esoteric connections, even in their deadliness. The film Coffee and Cigarettes, to me, seems to highlight how these two products not only compliment one another, but the idea of their universal enjoyment--coffee and cigarettes are two products that are not reserved for specific social classes, but are enjoyed by the rich, the poor, and all those some where in between. Whether you're a mechanic or a CEO, a marionette or a line supervisor for an electric company, you'll see coffee cups and cigarettes in soft or seasoned hands. 

Everyone has their unique perception and way in which they engage the world, so interpret as you will, if any one actually reads this, but my intention here is not to advocate, but to illustrate an abstract idea regarding little things used throughout the day to fill the gaps and to exemplify our need for connection with other people. Obviously these are merely examples of why we smoke and drink--stimulants release dopamine, which helps with depression, anxiety, etc, caffeine gives us a charge. Sometimes, it is merely an excuse to go outside. Other times, for two people to abscond to their little world at the front of the house, just to be in the company of one another. Some times, it is merely an excuse.

Embracing Absence

Although I can speak for no one other than myself, it does not seem a foreign concept for individuals to easily lose sight of the positive elements pirouetting about their daily lives that are so readily plagued by the fleas of compromising emotions. Without divulging, here, certain areas of my life in which I could and do internally complain, this weekend carried with it the absence of negativity. To be in the company of, to share the world with, the one person who knows me, some times with more accuracy than rounds delivered from the chamber of my own insight, is invaluable. This individual could never really know how much I appreciated this time--this breath. My testimony, here, it to Time--it is finite and too quickly fleeting to embrace, solely, with my emotionally-masochistic hands the moments of deprivation. So, I thank my friend for the moments recently past. This person knows I cannot promise to keep viced this appreciation, without a loosening grip, but hopefully they know that when it does come loose, it won't take much to regain that grip.

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